What is Paignton’s Death Cafe and why is it so popular?

When a Roman General paraded through the streets of Rome in his victory parade, a slave stood by his shoulder whispering ‘Memento mori’ - Remember death.

It comes to us all, and in our busy lives we can so easily ignore this basic fact. We can fail to reflect on it to such an extent that our lives take on a dreamy quality where death disappears altogether.

And when we get like that, we actively avoid thinking about it, let alone talking about it, because to do so would be to spoil the fun; to interrupt the party.

And yet. The truth is that talking about death can turn what seems like a monster into a supportive friend.

Death Café’s were started by Jon Underwood with the aim of demystifying our great and final taboo. Though he died tragically early in 2017, he started a movement that has now become international.

Recently, we started a death café in Paignton. It meets every other month on a Friday afternoon for a couple of hours. There is no agenda (just as the Death Café philosophy prescribes) and no conclusion to arrive at.

The event certainly does not seek to advocate any particular philosophy other than free-thinking. People come with their own ideas and share whatever is on their mind, but there is no sense in which the occasion seeks to heal or persuade or convince.

Those considering a visit should not think that there is any ideology they need to adopt to be accepted.

Our own experience of death café’s (and yes there are quite a few in the southwest, so it’s worth a Google search …) is that they are in fact quite liberating and healing.

Not in any formal sense, but because the shame and embarrassment of talking about that morbid ‘yuk’ that we face is put aside and we can share thoughts we may have kept to ourselves for months or years.

Talking about death is not really talking about death, because how can you talk about something from which you do not return?

Really, we talk about our fear of death, or our grief of our proximity to it.

Actually, what we talk about is life and the hope to make it as full as we can. So when we leave a death café, we often feel more alive, not less.

If there is an aim of the death café movement, it is to help us make the most of our finite lives. The belief is that the more we can openly talk about death, the healthier we can become in our decisions about how to navigate our complicated existences.

Life should not be a childish dream wrapped up in cosy treats like food, holidays, alcohol, sports and fancy cars, but a fully grown-up adventure done together with those we love.

So do come along to Paignton Library and join the conversation. You will be very welcome and there will always be cake and tea. If you come away with nothing else, you should have a nice cuppa and a chat.

Our next meeting will be at 2pm on 13 th March at Paignton Library. For more information email devondeathcafe@gmail.com