Peter Moore: When jokes start feeling uncomfortably close to home

It’s worrying when a joke turns out to be a prophecy.

In my new year piece last year I wrote, “To reorganise local government plans are put forward to create a Greater Torbay”. I admit there was some hyperbole, but the principle is not too different from some of the proposals.

I also suggested that “The Pavillion would then be converted into the mayor’s palace.” I hope I’m not giving the council any ideas.

For 2026 I am giving up on prophesies. Even the most bizarre joke is in danger of coming true. This year I will concentrate on what I dislike, anything I hope does not come true. This is room 101 for the new year.

1. Please could people stop quoting the book 1984 when it is clear they haven’t read it. A few CCTV cameras to prevent crime when there are stringent safeguards in place is not “big brother watching you”.

2. I would like to ban the expression “no smoke without fire”. This implies that any nasty rumour or allegation must be true. This expression would be a disaster in court. “I heard a rumour that this man is a burglar. There’s no smoke without fire so it must
be true.” Even without a jury I do not think this is evidence.

3. Another irritant that needs to go in 2026 is the desire to book any car on Paignton seafront which is a nanometre too long. It cannot help the tourist industry if someone comes here for their holiday, parks their family car on the esplanade and has a fine.

4. One of the irritating aspects of a modern car occurs before I have moved. The screen insists that I follow the rules of the road. Sorry car, I had planned to drive straight across the road and belt down the South Devon Highway on the wrong side of the road. I’m glad you told me.

5. How about delivery drivers emailing me to say that they could not deliver a parcel as there was no reply. I was in the whole time and have a video doorbell. Unless the driver doubled up as the invisible man he wasn’t here.

6. Why does the algorithm for online shopping always send me anther email saying, “if you liked this why not buy that”. I bought an air fryer. I am very happy with my air fryer, but I do not need another one. Please stop sending me emails saying if I liked my air fryer why not buy another.

7. The weather app had a yellow warning forecasting wind and rain and then added “are you enjoying this app?”. Not really.

8. After looking up Jilly Cooper books, for a friend you understand, I received an email saying that, if I liked Jilly Cooper I might want to buy Enid Blyton’s Famous Five books. How did the algorithm work that one out?

9. Why are there so many bogus surveys online? For any survey to be worthwhile it has to be a large random sample. Asking a limited number of your customers and receiving 5% response will not produce a meaningful survey, unless by “meaningful” they mean figures that can be used in advertising.

10. Please could people stop trying to look intelligent by quoting Latin. They know that most people will not understand unless they are a passing ancient Roman. I have never studied Latin but, if I had, I am sure I could join in. I could show off by quoting medical terms, many of which are Latin anyway, but that is only because I am in the trade. I am sure an electrician or surveyor could bamboozle me with their jargon. It does not make anyone more intelligent.

11. What is relevant to medicine is this obsession with “good foods” and “bad foods”. There are no good or bad foods unless we include deadly nightshade. There are good diets and bad diets. Having the occasional fry up in a balanced health diet will not prove fatal.

12. The same applies to “natural”. Our natural life expectancy is about thirty. If every “natural food” is healthy why not tell the children to go into the woods and eat any berry they can find.

Enjoy 2026, only eat natural food and not bad foods and, if you liked this column, why not fill in a survey and then try my column next week. I promise not to use Latin phrases et cetera.